Superstitious Supershooters
February 19, 2010 by GunSite SA
Filed under Blogs
by Tony Walker
Here we are, in the Twenty-First century. Humanity has plumbed the depths of the deepest oceans and sent astronauts to the moon and back. We know how to split atoms, use hand-held computers to communicate with each other across the city or across continents, and invent machines with artificial intelligence, or at least smarter than the average afternoon soap opera viewer. Our knowledge of the universe is such that we are all aware that Uranus is bigger than Mars, yet we still seem unable to manufacture double-ply toilet tissue that has the perforations evenly lined up.
In this technological age, why is it that many people still have a belief in horoscopes, fortune telling, numerology, necromancy, chiromancy, omens, spells, the power of crystals, and what they read in National Inquirer? A case in point is my wife, the Amazon Queen. She still firmly believes that Elvis is still holed up in the mountains, awaiting a call from his loyal fans. Incidentally, if any of you hunters happen to find a 300 pound, 70-odd year old male with long sideburns, wearing a ragged silver jump suit, hold your fire. Lure him closer with a quadruple cheeseburger, then grab him quick – you’ll be rich for life.
The Amazon Queen’s reading material consists solely of psychic magazines. She will buy any lucky charm advertised in them that will promise her a big win on the lottery, success at work, or guarantee to give her irresistible sexual allure. I can confirm that this is definitely a loser, as she has all the charm of a love-starved cobra. I’m not saying that she’s overweight; it’s just that her new living bra took one look at her and committed suicide.
I first noticed how superstitious she was when we went shooting. Her match preparations would consist of strapping on her belt and holster, then adding to these her four-leaf clover, her lucky white heather, and a miscellaneous collection of charms and medallions. My own preparations are much simpler: I simply wear a crucifix and some garlic round my neck. After being married to her for over forty years, I know that if she bites me, I’ll live forever, and I don’t really want to face eternity sleeping in a coffin.
A few weeks later, at a local IPSC match, I noticed that many of the other shooters there had their own rituals and superstitions that they believed brought them luck. Some top-class shooters, whose guns are on the cutting edge of firearms technology, have very strange ideas on what can give them a match-winning performance.
One well-known shooter, whom I’ll call ‘Shorty’ to save him embarrassment, always wore the same ‘lucky’ shirt in a match. This would not normally be noticeable, except for the fact that his superstition demanded that the shirt never saw the inside of a washing machine. You could always tell where he was during a match, from the cloud of flies hovering over him, and the fact that the shooters in his squad always stayed at least 50 feet away from him during a walkthrough.
This had unfortunate consequences for Shorty at a big match. The weather was hot, with humidity hovering around the 90° mark. The start position for the last stage required the shooter to start with his hands in the surrender position. At the signal, he would draw, engage three steel poppers, and then move on through a complicated house clearance stage.
Shorty heard the signal, made a lightning fast draw, and blazed off three shots at the poppers. Before they could hit the ground, he was off and running to the house. A rapid fusillade of shots was heard, then silence. We all waited, knowing that Shorty’s, time was a certain match winner. He then emerged from the house looking puzzled. “Where’s the RO?” he asked.
We pointed to where the RO was, sitting dazed on the ground. He was taking huge gulps of oxygen from a medic and the Match Director, who had just turned up, spoke to Shorty. “When you went into your start position, he passed out, just after he hit the button. Maybe it’s time you changed your shirt.”
Of course, Shorty was awarded a re-shoot. He declined to change his shirt, so a novice RO was “volunteered” to give him another run. The RO held a handkerchief soaked in eau-de-cologne to his face throughout the run, but to no avail. After Shorty had finished shooting, the RO staggered back, looking green. He gave the time to the scorekeeper, before stumbling away at high speed to call for Hughie on the big white telephone. The Gods of the Re-shoots had the last laugh, as usually happens. The time was nowhere near as fast as Shorty’s first run. This must have given him pause to think, because at the next match, Shorty turned up wearing a brand new shirt, smelling of an expensive aftershave.
The Amazon Queen also has a habit, just before she gets ready to shoot, of wriggling her rear end, like a cat about to pounce on an unsuspecting mouse. This normally wouldn’t raise comment, but the last time she did it at a match, the vibration caused all the poppers to fall down, two barricades to collapse, and the chronograph on a nearby range to read a power factor of 261.
I’ve also seen other shooters who have lucky items of clothing. One. I remember, had what he called his “lucky” hat, which he wore for years to all his matches. Unfortunately, his mother hadn’t taped his ears down when he was a baby. The effect of this, when looking at him from the rear, was like a Humvee with both doors open. Nonetheless, this shooter did very well, except in a head wind, which would cause him to veer off course during a long field stage. Eventually he was persuaded to get a new hat, after it was gently pointed out to him that a hat bearing the motto, “John Browning for IPSC President” was a little outdated.
As I’ve said before, I’m not really superstitious. On the other hand, unkind critics have mocked the Walker “gunfighter crouch,” which has won me fame, the adulation of other shooters, and at least two boxes of primers as prizes. They claim that I do have a ritual before shooting. They claim that I pray before shooting, as my lips can be seen moving. The truth is far simpler: I’m not praying; I’m cursing the course designers.
Of course, the question of whether these superstitions and rituals have any effect on the outcome of a match has still to be answered. I recently tried to test this just before a big match. I deliberately walked under a ladder, spilled salt, and had a black cat cross my path. The night before, I had left my shoes on the table and deliberately smashed a mirror (which my wife never uses anyway, as she never sees a reflection.)
Once at the match, I came to the first stage, supremely confident. My new supergun was in the holster and I was eager to go. The stage called for me to be seated at a desk, drop a newspaper into a waste basket, then draw and start shooting. I took the newspaper from the RO and signaled that I was ready to go. At the signal, I casually threw the newspaper … straight on the ground, missing the waste basket by inches. Bending down to pick up the paper, I then banged my head on the desk. Managing to get rid of the paper, I drew the gun and sighted carefully on to the first target and pressed the trigger.
With a “Brrrrrrrp”, all eighteen rounds of .38 Super went off at once, as the disconnector failed, chopping the target into shreds, and at the same time wiping me out of the match, as I didn’t have a replacement gun. To ironic calls of, “Don’t stop, Robocop” from the crowd, I slunk away towards home, a few beers and whatever culinary feast I could find among the leftovers in the refrigerator .
However, I still suppose I’m lucky in a way. I have the Amazon Queen for a wife, I drive a 10 year old car, I have $270 in the bank, my retirement plan consists of lottery tickets, and I have the world’s only full-auto racing gun. No, I’m not superstitious — touch wood.
Tony Walker is the author of the critically-acclaimed book How to Win a Gunfight, and he also wrote Snides, the action thriller that introduced ex-SAS trooper John Pilgrim and his slick-shooting wife, Sally. The sequel, Pilgrim’s Banner, is now available. Find out more at Tony’s website; www.tonywalkerbooks.com
